Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sulking in Cold Waters

Sometimes it is very interesting how life brings you to certain crossroads. While you are living your own life thinking that special someone will always accompany you through life’s thick and thin, it would be best not to expect that. Hope is always very fragile and in many sense filled with cowardice.

Listening to the voice that is hidden in me for so many years, I really do not know whether what I’ve decided is the right path. After every ballot and every decision, I find myself still struggling with the same dilemma. I may have not moved or grown some may have said, but the desserts that I brave through and deadly lonely ocean I have sailed, I know I did. And perhaps that is all that really matters.

In action he swept me away, and so I ask again repeatedly with concern and caution ... will he ever do so again?

Because of that, I learned to never wander far. Always caution on the path of road that I am walking. Always afraid to jump and skip the beat when it is most enjoyable. Thus, I built these never-ending walls between the memories and dreams. Tangled in time ... I ask myself, am I at the crossroad? Or am I just justifying my own rebound? How can I unwind time, not to the past ... but fast forward? How can I flash forward courageously?

I am hanging myself from the shadow that lies ahead. I asked myself why do I feel so unwanted, so cold ... so uncertain? Do I throw the dice and gamble life away. Worse, gamble everything that I thought that would actually in fact matters the most.

Life is filled with mystery and in so often, misery. Perhaps Confucius is right that balance is good. When you are in doubt, don’t simplify matters – just be certain of it. When you are living in misery, balance it with mystery?

And so I feel used ... mere replacements, decorations in life ... always second

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