Thursday, December 9, 2010

How do I make the world see me rather than what I am

The manifestation of depression revolve around expectations. Some say that by learning to let go or building a defense mechanism walling from risk of hurt helps. I think it makes sense. Learning has become a process so important that it alters lifestyles and ones' hope. No one seem to care about the real idea, so willingly often voluntarily believing that the greater good is always out there.

Let there be contentment.

In today's vivid and multifaceted society, we deal with people and maskers in our daily life. Constant pretending and often regretting acts which we cast upon others. But yet we still persist to do it, casting the shadow of guilt, seeking to hurt and seek damages as much as possible. To terrify the other party until he runs into the dark forest, trembling and drench in tears. Yet we all still do it all over again.

How come at the other side of the river, where the most pretentious couple strives to be better and greater, we suffer? Often we ask the question. Is that what we seek? Perfection to fit into ideologies of love and together-hood that we must learn to love that only way and not accepting the other person?

I have told many, repetition that one should want to be with you and not just desperate to be in a relationship. So how will you know when it comes? Does the story unfold itself yet disappear from discovery as soon as one lands the kiss. Curses, immunity and blindness. Different scripts, different ending, different souls. And yet encouragement and determination to build this protective sphere still exist? If so, how do you then allow yourself to be vulnerable and protected?

I want the stop sign. I do not wish to grow into my 30s wishing that my maturity, achievement and lifestyle is more dominant than the rest, persisting that I did more than I had and the world agrees to me. I want to be vulnerable, to be able to feel that I have hurt and been hurt. I want to feel that I can continuously do more and grow herein and hereafter. I seek the journey of suffering in twos rather than sulking in lone.

The balance I seek, does it still exist?

So often I wonder if the idea is to set boundaries then I will never be that way. Am I walking down that path? I certainly hope not ... and certainly hope my other half is not and will not and never will too ...

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