Saturday, August 15, 2009

My Confessions before Redang

Enough! I say! I am leaving to Redang in a few hours and with fatigue hitting me, I am quite close to canceling the trip, disssapoint my friend and mourn my miserable life. The main reason is because my mood is badly affected by a string of unfortunate events.

Firstly, my client is dissatisfied with our corporate video. Although Eva and I both have follow the guidelines, script, approved-storyboard, our client (being "clients") always have unpleasant feedbacks about the rushed-urgent-last-minute-low-budget project. Somehow, I have this tiny-little instinctual feeling that the client is trying to avoid paying us the full payment. Politics. Perhaps not? Perhaps I was just being sensitive, but I don't like the idea when we are constantly being asked to relook the video, put more effort and thinking for the production. I find those words of upsets unnecessary and really demotivating. After reading his SMS, in my disturbed and angry self, I was about to reply our useless-redundant-showoff-bummer project manager's SMS ... I told myself to be calm and react only when pushed. FUCK the bastard cos Eva and I both have put HOURS in the past few week completing the video! As a project manager, he should constantly support the team and act in all means to contribute in every stage of the video construction but in contrast, all he had done was boast and sit around corners, acting boss and rushing the crew to follow his timeline, which was in the first place flawed due to time constrains.

Secondly, I realize that my dependency and hope for this project is affecting me financially as well which could be the main reason why I look after this project, multitask and ensure everything is run smoothly. Apparently not enough to impress the client. If this project has the slightest problem in anyway where it affects the payment, I will go below my savings in the next few months and I am sure hell will break loose then. Family pressure, peer pressure, self-inflicted pressure ... etc

Thirdly, my big fat ulser since Monday would not go off thanks to the jammed-packed production period. One thing I hate about video shooting and production is that work-time is almost 24hours! Not getting enough sleep, rest and water has distrupted my speaking pattern. The constant ache from the lower-inner mouth is killing me. I am going to put salt and get a fever if it leaves me no other choice.

Fourth, at my most lowest peak of emotion - I am still being stuborn and attached with expectations that I know will not be achieved. Somehow, my dissapointment and sadness is revealed even more. I await calls that I know will never come, I await support that I know I have to hint to come, I await comfort that I know I have to ask to come. I know I am being difficult and childish, but somehow - that feeling is lingering around me. So far no one has understand that. Me being all negative certainly has a part in scaring Ariel away as she was basking in excitement about me finally taking a vacation. She saw the tired, worked-up me and was hoping that I get a good rest in the coming days but I scared her off with my signature "cibai-moody" look, which lead to my next point

I realize I cannot control my emotion very well. At the worst time - I tend to act distructively and feel that the whole world owes me an apology or support. I believe this disorder feeling is not healthy but it shows, clearly hurting close friends and family around me. I was about to cry this morning waking Grace and Vynn up to seek that shoulder and ear. My dependency on friends are so essential that I was left with no choice but to find momentarily emotion and spiritual stability in their words. Going to Redang would not be a good idea, but I really do not want to burn the RM800 I paid up front for the trip. So, my friends would have to understand the cloudy me ... Of course I will try to cheer up and forget work for a while but I doubt it will be successful. All I need is one call or SMS from my client and I am sure, It is enough to spoil my entire trip

Well ... Be optimistic says a close friend. Let's see if she could live my life... I am going to try and forget the world exist

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