Just a few days back, I met someone - a total stranger but shared so much similarities in life. There were definitely chemistry in both our communication and greetings. I would like to think that our friendship has something interesting but there is always the fear. Fear of things getting out of hand. Fear of any possibilities that could only result in void and waste. The same fear I fear that of when you look into someone's eye knowing that you can give everything you have only to have it returned empty. Worst, knowing that it can never go anywhere.
So after relating stories about his life and background, family and kids ... I begin to wonder how life would be if I would to pull the plug and switch sides. A question and taboo only to be scrutinize by friends and loved ones even before any disclaimers are made. Seeing my best friend getting married and also soon my sister, I am starting to feel that perhaps I would like to challenge and submit to the bigger picture. Will I be in denial or will it be a brand new chapter? I will never know
Those who claimed that they know me aren't really showing that they do. Those who doesn't sometimes seems more to be on the right track. As he continues talking about sticking to choices, responsible over decisions made and subjecting oneself to new commitments seems a little far fetched for the weakly disciplinary life of homosexuals. Everything changes when you are not bounded by law (or lamely put - contract) and to be absence in societal expectations sometimes allow you room to even fall out and foul play. Clear and good examples of life in the rainbow world. After all, nobody guarantee any form of bonds in either world. And to make matter worst, it seems more superficial in certain side.
Thus I question, is it worth burying a past trial for a deemed future? Either way, both futures are untold if undiscovered. To be fair, I need to start to explore and compare. Aren't self deceit and affirmation already existing in both opposite sides of life? Then, there is a 50-50 chance! I sometimes and still wonder ... how it all ends or can turn up. Will I detest and trial life to avoid the regret stare some have given me? Will I be able to see friends in any similar way and will they too do the same? Will it merely by cherishing love in the next generation for the sake of continuum in bloodline rather than familial institution.
Refreshing the times we both stood at the stairways and looking into the skies, almost lip locking only to have the door on lower ground startled us was a sign. Possibilities.
Just too much on the plate right now. But I think I am going to try to be fair to myself. Cannot be hoping any longer ...