And so the day has come. As I busied myself the whole day trying to recover from the post finance exam which for the first time in my life haunt and awaken me from my sleep ... I have came upon enjoying the Sunday more than the usuals. After winning the Uni bowling tournament with my fellow team mates, and catching up with my dear friends before sending me off, I am curious how the week would be like for me. Anxiety and fear was sprouting the whole noon and MK was around to keep reminding me that things are just fine. I am unsure why, but I felt a strong subconscious premonition telling me that something bad is bound to happen. Not sure when, perhaps after this week. I just hope nothing serious for now
Come to think of it, I have been doing TOO much thinking. So much that they are unnecessary like the idea of revising non stop to avoid failing (which at the end, probably fail too), the worry about Ash being scrutinize by my family (which no one from home actualy does those kinda thing) & one of the worst is the actual knowing that he just wants a friends with benefit companion but I am constantly doing silly things suggesting otherwise. Silly cos at the end, the cure of hoping that it wouldn't be that lonely felt even more distant than usual. Lately, it has been too one sided. Or rather I live on edge of life where often hoping for false answers and deliverance. Call it expectations or so, but I felt side line and the little angel voice within tells me that all the talks and "lovely" chat messages I have gotten, some other human gets it too. Yeap, recycled for self fulfillment and satisfaction. I may be wrong, but it felt that way. I have to admit, it hurts and that's final.
I don't feel that thinking alot is actually a bad sign, instead I feel that it is part of me that is special. Constantly wondering and balancing decisions in life that has to be made is vital to keep the body and overall self sane.. Answers probably not worthy of the misery I put my lonely self to. Perhaps is karma for being a cold ass in my previous chapter
But I think being one sided has been entirely my fault. I was playing with fire and I knew it. At present point, adoration has turn to dissapointment, smiles has turn to resentment, hope has turn frailed and if this continue ... I really do not know what I am capable of. I am confuse often in the day gathering courage to live pass the flaws, smile through positively and hope for more reply. It always ended up me being faulty and imperfect when it doesn't happen that way. I begin to feel like I am China that everything I felt revolves around me ... I don't think I can continue to give and ending up not receiving
So ... the trip ... hopefully to forget what happened in the past few days. Or to the least, soften the blow of being rejected verbally and physically. The tiredness of making the first move ... really has bore me, dry