Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Another lost ... the last heart

It has been a great journey. I was away from Internet, "learning new things" without any influence. Thinking back, this year was one of the most painful years. K was right ... A lot of lost. I lost my relationship about two months ago, I lost someone I really love and care, I lost some close friends, I lost my pets and the most severe ... was losing myself, directions, thoughts and purpose in life. The past 10 months especially the the past 7 weeks was filled with misery, pain, hurt and loneliness. A lot of sacrifice were made and a lot of tears shed. But that's all in the past. All the loss have made me realize a lot of things in life. Loss ... a fresh new start. What is important, what is not, who is and how to live my life ... the way I want, the happy way... the content way ... the way things should have been ...

One things for sure, I am not going to let anyone, including myself to hurt me ... enough is enough. Some might find it cruel ... but I really do no need another stab, again ... enough is enough.

I know that when you write something here or do anything at all, there is always a cause and effect. I guess that's life. But what the heck ... when I started this blog, I wanted to my friends, people around me and readers to just know who and what I am doing in my life. But I realize after a series of events, it doesn't matter what you write ... it's people choice to choose to believe or care. It's only human. No expectation ... but that's life. At the end of the day, everyone just want the best for themselves. Selfish ... for your own good ... something I am finding hard to accept but it is the truth anyway.

During my entire life, I tried being that person where I can "spread the love", especially to people I truly care, especially friends since I never had them since high school ... I want to be that person everyone care and look up to. Friends calling me for this and that. But it never really happened. Naive eh? I admit, I was giving myself too much stress. Unecessary ones!

I guess I never really knew how to deal with people - relationship or friendship. Never knew how to deal with problems that comes with it. I rather keep everything to myself and solve it without getting friends worried, without being judge and without causing any pain. A fear I should have face long time ago. All I wanted was everyone to be happy ... and then it dawns upon you that you are not god ... you can't control everything. When I finally found that special person ... I didn't want to lose him, and I did many things to myself ... thinking it would all go away. Believing the false, being blinded and long story cut short, everything that has happened taught me something more than life.

Of course things got rocky and I started to learn to share with friends. Tell them everything, share the pain and the effect was scary. Some friends choose to distant me, some started judging me and some even hate me. You can say anything you want, but at the end ... I felt it, and it was genuine. It was hard to deal with ... lost a few, gain a few. Well, I am still positive about what happened. Like Ta Ge and Er Ge both said, now you know who you should love more and those that loved you unconditionally. Truly, it was an eye opener. Both filled with disappointments and happiness.

I guess the most important is what I have learned ... should I say still learning?

Ya ... you may already know this. But saying is so much easier than doing. Life is not just about knowing. To certain degree, it is about making room for understanding and then taking the extra effort to face and deal with it. Then how you deal with it requires you to think with your mind, heart and soul whether is it the right or wrong way to deal with it. Why? The process doesn't just involve you ... it involves people around you, family, friends and loved ones. Its not only about yourself. If you are caring ... then taking others' into consideration without judging them counts. Something I regret not doing in the past. Being responsible for what you have done and accept the fact that the consequences in life is very very cruel and I learn that the hard way ... but to be able to move on for a better direction, the right direction is something many would not choose to do.

I accept whatever that will come in the future. I went through a lot ... those who had been around me knows and I know you guys are asking me to take a break. I promise you ... I am and I will ... What's the point of saying things over and over again, asking the same questions over and over again and hurting myself over and over again ... when at the end, the uncertainty is there and you can't control it.

We never know what will happen tomorrow. Better to just do it ...

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