One things for sure, I am not going to let anyone, including myself to hurt me ... enough is enough. Some might find it cruel ... but I really do no need another stab, again ... enough is enough.
I know that when you write something here or do anything at all, there is always a cause and effect. I guess that's life. But what the heck ... when I started this blog, I wanted to my friends, people around me and readers to just know who and what I am doing in my life. But I realize after a series of events, it doesn't matter what you write ... it's people choice to choose to believe or care. It's only human. No expectation ... but that's life. At the end of the day, everyone just want the best for themselves. Selfish ... for your own good ... something I am finding hard to accept but it is the truth anyway.
During my entire life, I tried being that person where I can "spread the love", especially to people I truly care, especially friends since I never had them since high school ... I want to be that person everyone care and look up to. Friends calling me for this and that. But it never really happened. Naive eh? I admit, I was giving myself too much stress. Unecessary ones!
Of course things got rocky and I started to learn to share with friends. Tell them everything, share the pain and the effect was scary. Some friends choose to distant me, some started judging me and some even hate me. You can say anything you want, but at the end ... I felt it, and it was genuine. It was hard to deal with ... lost a few, gain a few. Well, I am still positive about what happened. Like Ta Ge and Er Ge both said, now you know who you should love more and those that loved you unconditionally. Truly, it was an eye opener. Both filled with disappointments and happiness.
I guess the most important is what I have learned ... should I say still learning?
Ya ... you may already know this. But saying is so much easier than doing. Life is not just about knowing. To certain degree, it is about making room for understanding and then taking the extra effort to face and deal with it. Then how you deal with it requires you to think with your mind, heart and soul whether is it the right or wrong way to deal with it. Why? The process doesn't just involve you ... it involves people around you, family, friends and loved ones. Its not only about yourself. If you are caring ... then taking others' into consideration without judging them counts. Something I regret not doing in the past. Being responsible for what you have done and accept the fact that the consequences in life is very very cruel and I learn that the hard way ... but to be able to move on for a better direction, the right direction is something many would not choose to do.
I accept whatever that will come in the future. I went through a lot ... those who had been around me knows and I know you guys are asking me to take a break. I promise you ... I am and I will ... What's the point of saying things over and over again, asking the same questions over and over again and hurting myself over and over again ... when at the end, the uncertainty is there and you can't control it.