I would say that I am highly emotional and volatile these days. I have been sitting in my living room, trying to digest what the doctor has told me, particularly in the sentence which says
"I think you are overwork, your body and mind need to rest"
The advise was given when I was complaining about sleepless night, or rather when I do finally get into slumberland, I am often abruptly awaken either by dreams, noise or just plain fluctuation of room temperature. Not to mention that my minds wander afar lately. With work issues to top it up, I feel that I have achieve little lately.
To be honest, I wanted to blog about the historical achievement on saturday - aka BERSIH related stuff, but after my pilgrimage back to Ayer Tawar - my dad's hometown where I grew up playing with my cousins, I was touched by a softer, slower and quieter side of life. I was looking out the window, thinking about the same thoughts and visualizing the same image when I was young. Often I wonder, what are in between the trees at the rubber estate and palm oil plantation? Which road will I take if my parents really abandoned me by the roadside like they always threaten to do when I am extremely naughty in the car? Questions after questions ...
The fun part was when I arrived at night, greeted by fireflies. As I step onto the soft ground, hearing fine sands rubbing between my sandals, I gazed upon the sky to find stars. They never fail to appear in this little town of probably a few thousand people. It was night time, serene peaceful and a single cat yelp could be heard across the three streets that encompass my dad's little village. We stayed at our aunt's place ever since grandpa and grandma passed on. Their home is still standing, fragile and dirty. Abandoned with weeds, dusts and a whole lots of void.
Aunts place was just beside, clean and strong - renovated to accommodate. As we enter my aunt's home, I briefly gazed upon grandpa's home ... quiet, haunting and how it has lost its touch of a home.
I reminisce times when my aunts were cooking in the kitchen during CNY, we kids playing fooling around always making it hard for our grandparents to control us. Then I remembered the awful incident of a snake creeping into the bathroom while I was only 10. Time flies and the most memorable moment was actually me standing below the rambutan tree, first time making an outstation call in the middle of the night under the stars with my uncle's volcanic snore filling the night.
One of my most memorable experience was to actually bond with my cousin bro who has down syndrome. He is so much fun to hang out with. Provides me with hug and so innocently makes everyone laugh with his conversational skills. Of course, I will not forget the moment when he cried not wanting me to leave. Or maybe wanting me to finish the zombie shooting game that we both were glued to the whole day. It was really a slow paced day - not much thinking required.
The good times and how I missed them. I am amaze how the town is still around, quieter than the last time (5 years back) since I set foot. Dad told me it is only the aging who are still around and most of the younger generations have moved to the city for better job prospect. Come to think of it, 9 out of 1o of my cousins originated in the town is now scattered around KL.
At the intersection of my life, I really wished my life could be as innocent as those who had breakfast with me, gossiping at the cafe. Typical rocking fan, small glasses of coffee or tea with steamed bread spread with kaya and occasionally half boiled eggs. I had wantan noodle. Old uncles and aunties just repeating their routine, never bothered about capitalism ideology. I wonder, how people in Ayer Tawar (especially my aunt's family) had gone through years in village lifestyle.
Trust me, holding up your phone in the sky, walking around like a lost duck to get 3G signal is no joke.
Enough said, I am back to my reality. My never ending rambles about city life which I have choose and currently reviewing about venturing out of my comfort zone. After all, I just told MC the ultimate that I am not exactly entirely happy about life, especially now. Content? Maybe even not with the little I achieved and the lost feeling I am brewing within myself.
I know I am having high expectations on myself, but I seriously cannot help it. It is a form of motivation and endurance that I automatically set to keep myself going. A mechanism my body and mind cannot deny which in certain degree had purge my body to exhaustion. Or at least that is what the doc said.
Sigh. I should stop boring you guys and try to grab some rest. Writing this post in certain ways had my neck and eye tired. Maybe a sign for retreat
