Thursday, January 3, 2008

The 3rd day of New Year

At present moment, I am in stress, tired, sick of working, sick of working with boss ... and sick of not getting work done. Ok, basically - I am feeling depress mainly because of work. I am sad and my body aches because of work. It seems that I have not been doing enough ... or perhaps, I did not efficiently execute my task.

Lilpixie is asking me to take a chill pill. Change the way I work ... less stress, less emo ... just go with the flow. Lilpixie is also asking me to correct her resume and somehow - that kinda tell me something-someone is leaving soon. Had lunch with Ray (the hidden-closet gay INT finance manager that makes chipmunk giggles at times) and he is leaving. Many great people has left the company and boy I will certainly miss andy-the-toxic,smelly mouth.

That said, I am glad ahtao is back. At least he will want to take up all the leading responsibilities and take charge of certain projects. Even though many people would not like that, I am ok with it. At least I know things will get approval and it will move.

That aside, I am in a turmoil of mixed feelings as well. I miss K and the main reason was because he said something earlier. A few days back, he told me that he is trying with me. I was in a state of shock and I still am. I am so afraid to voice it out that I kept this thought in me .... and somehow, it is making me more afraid. I am so fearful that he might be trying a lil too hard and everything breaks down at the end with no return.

I know what I must do, but looking back - I know I am not suppose to ... I still get bad flashbacks. The time I cried endlessly at the corner, the time I almost killed myself, the emotions I went through rediscovering how dirty and foolish I was, the pain of losing myself, friends and him, the smoking period, the drinking period, the tears I shed under the blanket, the therapy I went through, the shock after a positive meet-up, the 3 months of endless torment - extending till now, the frustration I caused, the repetition and constant support from friends. .. my gawd ... have I actually went through so much lately?

At present moment, I am lost ... and still learning to forgive myself

What a way to jump-start year 2008 ...

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