The show must go on ... life move on

I've been tossing myself in bed for the past two hours, my mind is filled with thoughts of both the past and present. Then I began to play songs in my head and at this hour, I knew it would be another bad night of sleep and its not going to help when I have to wake up in 4 hours time for Yoga

I steady stood up and did a few stretching exercises. It didn't help. My trouble mind still wonders. I am restless. Enough I thought. Let's get to the bottom of this and solve this feeling. Ever since last saturday's incident, my life have been tossed around. I am constantly evaluating my life till the extend that stress can just pop at any time, headache then heartache follows and I decide to just sleep it away. Waste of time, unproductive ... then more stress came.

I want to grow out of it but I do not know how. I find ways to ignore it , overcome it and even till the extend where I totally shove it aside but yet the same feeling comes back after every fall, and it comes stronger each time, and I grew weaker each time. The feeling worsen when I look at my ATM balance. Fuck ... I tell myself

Why am I feeling this way? Why do I give myself such a hard time? I finally found the answer to all of these unforgiving, uncomfortable and uncalled situation. I am not content ... I am not content with my achievement ever since I graduated and I am not content with myself. I am not content with life and I am never going to be until I get what I want. I hate where I am standing now ... and I seriously wish I could reverse time and do it differently. But I cannot. So move on ...

The problem was not with what I am doing, BUT what I have become. I feel as if I wasted the past 2 years of my life doing something I didn't like doing. What was I thinking venturing into the corporate world and abandoning my dream or passion? Was I blinded by peer pressure craving for financial stability and freedom of capitalism? Was I driven by the climb of corporate world believing that it would earn more than it harms? I seriously do not know the answers ... but I am beginning to realize something else instead.A revelation. A revelation brewing in me. I want to achieve my dream and I will go the distant to do it, with or without any help ... with or without support. I am going to work harder each day, better each time and stronger each minute.

I hunger for the achievement and I want that recognition. I believe I should deserve it after all the hard work. I want to regain my confidence and courage and I know I can only do so by achieving my dream. Whether it is in terms of modeling, acting, talent, art direction or even production ... I will take bigger and more drastic steps. I want to be able to sleep soundly, dreaming of walking the walk ... and feel good when I wake up. I want to be able to genuinely smile on daily basis and meant it.

This may put smiles on some people face and the opposite on others. I guess at the end of it, I only have myself to answer to ... and I want to believe that I deserve every bit of success and comfort ... because it is only right for a human to feel that way. So ... no matter how down I am and what a loser I have become - The show must go on ... life move on ...

It has to ...